Today, you guys get a treat, because I’ve seen one of the most spectacular awful movies ever:
That’s right: ThanksKilling. You remember in Grindhouse there was that faux trailer for Thanksgiving? Well, this takes Thanksgiving and makes it a horror flick in the opposite direction. Be forwarned, there will be spoilers!
Before I get started, let me just say, this film is not a high budget flick. According to imdb the budget for this flick was $3,500, and really, for the budget I can’t fault it all TOO much. But budget isn’t why this movie is absolutely incredible in it’s awfulness, it’s the fact that it’s one of the best/worst movies you can see.
We start off in the time 1621, and you see a Pilgrim woman in typical dress. Black dress, white cap, white apron, and of course, the completely bare chest that Pilgrim women typically had.
Of course, our Turkey Killer here comes out wielding an axe to our partially robed victim. She dies, and our credits roll. These credits aren’t bad, and have some of the neatest names I’ve ever seen in credits, including Chuck “Dead Body” Lamb and General Bastard. Now, that’s just indication of the pure epicness you’ll be seeing from now until the end of the movie.
Next, you’re introduced to our “heroes” of the movie. Four college kids, ranging from the typical stereotypes you can think of: Jock, Nerd, Slut, Idiot, and our “good girl”. Now, I put good girl in quotations, because that is literally how she is credited on the credits. Kristen “The Good Girl”. Yep, you know she’s innocent one, and most likely will live. Now I’m not really gonna bother with their names, because lets face it, no one cares.
They proudly mention it’s Thanksgiving break, and mention what they’re thankful for. Now, while this is going, a grizzled camper is sending his dog to go off into the woods to use the bathroom. Of course this leads to the dog of course finding where the turkey will rise from in a comical fashion.
Yep, the dog pee’s on the Turkey Killer, and thus dies. Now we’re cut to Kristen’s parents, Sheriff Roud and his wife Sheryl in a morning scene. Now most will say this is an awkward transition, and they’d be right, but it leads to some pretty just awesome dialogue such as:
Roud: Goddamn, Sheryl!!! That coffee tastes like shit. What’d you do, take a dump in it?
Sheryl: As a matter of fact….
*shows him a turd in the coffee pot.*
Sheryl: I sure did!!!!
*slams the coffee pot down.*
Sheryl: I want a fucking divorce!!!!
Aren’t they lovable? So, Kristen calls, and tells her parents that they’ll be home tonight, which in horror movie terms means they won’t be home tonight. Of course their vehicle breaks down in the forest, in the Turkey Killer’s back yard. So, they’re stranded for now, so they build a fire and tell ghost stories. Our geek finds out they’ve gotten stranded in Crawburg, and that leads him to telling a story about an Indian Chief named Feather Cloud.
Now Feather Cloud has been dishonored by a Pilgrim, so he curses a Turkey to come back from the dead to have his revenge every 500 years by killing the first white folks it runs into. I can assume you can guess where this is going can’t you? Now everyone laughs about this story, as they should, but of course once you do that you’ve sealed your doom.
Now while this is going on, our grizzled guy from earlier is looking for his dog and only finds a corpse, and a murderous turkey. This of course this happens often, I mean it WAS a Thursday. But, the Turkey Killer admits to killing the dog and the hermit tries to kill the turkey. Of course it can’t work, because well, we’re only about 20 min into this 66 min movie. So the Turkey Killer runs off, and our grizzled hermit swears revenge. The Turkey runs off into the forest and run into our Good Girl, who freaks. And of course NO one believes she saw a killer turkey.
The guys console her, and they go to sleep, thinking they can’t get home until tomorrow. Of course, since the Turkey Killer has seen them, he has to go out and kill them. The hermit finds them in the morning, tells them that they should get out of the woods, and our Jock fixes the car. They head off, but the Turkey Killer is on their trail, but how will he catch up to a car? By hitchhicking of course. He gets up by a man who of course says the classic “Gas, Grass or Ass”
Now, he’s actually excited about the prospects of molesting a Turkey, which as we all can agree, is pretty darn messed up. The Turkey turns the table on him, holding the guy up, killing him, and taking his car to town.
Now the scene turns to night, as we go to the Jock’s family. His dad is upset that he didn’t make the lead, but there’s no problem that can’t be solved by LYING, so he does. It leads to a lovely family moment, that is of course is interrupted by Turkey violence! The Turkey actually cuts off the fathers head, and has pecked out the mothers eyes. The jock freaks for only a moment, which is the typical amount of time you need to get over your fathers death.
Then it goes to our Slut, who’s got a gentleman caller visiting, and of course they’re going at it like someone who’s going to die in a horror flick. The Turkey kills the guy, and then proceeds to.. well… lets just say it’s NSFW.
Of course, the Turkey kills the slut next, because he’s had his fun. Now our remaining heroes have met up, and are going to try and warn the slut, before she dies. Of course they’re too late, and they now look for a way to take this Turkey out for good. They know the Good Girl’s dad has a lot of books that may be helpful, so they go there. Now, the Turkey has already beaten them there and talks with her father, using a brilliant disguise.
So, he actually has a long conversation with the Sheriff, and it is pretty much awkward. But, he makes a comment saying the Turkey is a “weird duck” which of course is what sets the Turkey off. He kills the Sheriff, and uses his face like a mask. This of course is a brilliant idea, and all form of logic say this will work perfectly!
So they get to the house, and the Good Girl actually bends down to talk to her “father” and thinks nothing is wrong with this. This clearly shows that the Good Girl is a brilliant woman, and deserves to only go to the highest of Ivy League schools. So, they read up on how to get rid of this Turkey, and idiot is bored so he goes off. I mean, how has reading helped ANYONE right? Of course, now the geek finds a book that has the way to kill the turkey you have to take it’s magical charm off, and then do another ritual, but it’s in Mathmatical code. This is the Geeks time to shine!
Course it is gonna take a while for him to crack the code, and of course they stumble upon the dead body of the Sheriff. Oh Turkey, you’re supposed to clean up after your messes. They try and fight back against the Turkey Killer who tells them that white people must die until the Indians get respect again. Jock of course mentions the fact that Indians were given land and casino’s, which apparently was almost good enough, but not quite. So they grab the Turkey Killer, and get his charm off. The Turkey runs off, and the geek’s cracked the code. And yes it’s complicated, burning at the steak while chanting a demonic verse backwards. Yeah, that’s simple
So, of course they go looking for the Turkey Killer who’s supposed to be in his Teepee, and if he’s not he’s “killing one of your friends”. Oh no! Idiot! Yes, so he’s in trouble, as he’s walking down the street and he hallucinates a cooked turkey on the ground, and he does what anyone who’s played a Final Fight would do: eats it.
This of course leads to the Turkey Killer bursting from inside our good ol’ boy here, and that’s EXACTLY what would happen. Our other heroes find him, and of course swear revenge. They hunt the Turkey to his teepee, and confront him there, tying him up, and chanting the prayer. The hermit appears and shoots the Turkey in the head, sending him flying into a trash dumpster. Of course, they haven’t burned him, but he’s not immortal now due to the prayer, and they of course believe he’s dead. Now, of course there needs to be a twist, the dumpster is full of toxic waste!
So, of course, the Turkey Killer isn’t dead, and continues to hunt them down while they pat themselves on the back. The Geek gets taken down first, as his heart is pecked out. Then the Jock as he gets gut stabbed by an electric carving knife. He dies, but the Good Girl, get up ready to take him on. She remembers he needs to be burned and pulls out a lighter and hair spray, lighting the Turkey on fire, and kicking him into a handily placed pile of sticks and stake. As the Turkey burns a drumstick flies out, that’s clearly KFC but the Good Girl takes a big bite out of it.
Now, she can rest easy, but do you think the movie’s gonna end that way? No! Of course not, it cuts to a family who’s eating a Thanksgiving dinner. They’re a nice mild mannered family, and are saying grace. Then they say what they’re thankful for, but their turkey starts twitching. Oh yes, it’s the Turkey Killer, and he’s leading on to a sequel! In SPACE!
Really, this movie is awful, but it’s just FUNNY. Everything in it just shouldn’t work, but it’s just SO bad that you have to laugh at it, or else your head will just kinda burst. Nothin of the movie makes any kind of sense, and the characters are all wooden and play to their stereotype just like you expect them to. Everyone fills every niche, and the effects are just silly. In fact, in the NSWF portion of the Turkey uh.. action, you can actually SEE the guy who’s controlling the puppet while they’re doing it.
But, hey, for $3,500 bucks, really this movie doesn’t look so bad. It’s still bad, but you can tell the guys making this KNEW it was going to be bad, and rolled entirely with it. They clearly were having fun with the flick, and if you can kinda look at this as if it’s a comedy rather than a horror flick, you’ll at least be entertained. It’s not good, but man, it was so damn silly it was fun.